Dead Monkeys Drive Cars In China

At first arrival at the New Beijing Airport I waited for the Makeup staff to get their bags (I only carry carry on luggage) and we head out to get picked up. To make a long annoying story short we end up waiting for 2 hours in a cold airport, the pay phones do not take my credit card from Australia and there seems to be no internet access unless you are in the departures lounges, also no phone cards seemed to be available at any of the boutique shops around - in short no communication with BKK to tell them to kick whoevers ass is responsible for not being here to meet us.

Finally after sitting around for 2.5 hours a airport staff member asks if I am Steven Conan - close enough - and then introduces me to our driver, who speaks NO English or Thai, who has been waiting for us for the 2 hours with a sign that says CC2C. WTF?

Upon getting to the van we find 3 Indian production staff who had just been found the same way, they too were questioning the CC2C sign.

Apparently someone in shipping had abbreviated Chandni Chowk To China to CC2C and some other fool had given this on a sign to our driver - seems to make sense doesn't it?

Except of course there were other drivers there with signs that said CC3C and CC4C who were completely unrelated to our film. Bloody idiots. 2.5 hours in an airport at 6C (47F) on arrival at 4.20pm and colder as it passed into night wearing warm weather clothing and NO food. I was pissed.

Getting into the van we then find out the driver has not charged his phone and it runs out of power after 5 seconds of conversation. I tell him through mime I need to eat, he nods.

As we drive we all freeze 3C (37F) and dropping as night settles in and he has air blowing into the cabin. One of the girls asks him for aircon, he shakes his head and says no in Mandarin. The girl mimes freezing he says no. I get up sit down next to him and change the air to recirculate and put the heat on, he says no and turns the heat off. I say a firm YES and turn it back on, and look at him with a resolute stare, challenging him to try it again... he changes his mind... since he does not speak English I decide to name him something suitable, first name Dick and second name Head - for the rest of the journey and being polite I address him with his full name for the rest of the time I am forced to endure his presense.

Sounds like I am whinging but put it this way, a 2.5 hour journey from the airport took over 6 hours in total, Dick decided to smoke cigarettes, we (6 passengers) are all non-smokers and objected, and besides he is in the pay of the Indian production staff who constituted 3 of the 6, so he waited until we were all bored stupid and drifted off and sparked up.

Then only through scare tactics did he stop for food for us, yelling in his ear and pointing to a petrol station - 1 bowl of instant noodles each (there was no more stock) - luckily (through past experience) I always carry protein powder so a bottle of water for me for a protein drink.

6 hours, cold as heck and a snack meal, then to find out the kitchen had closed at the hotel - FU..!

I was ready to kill the driver. I made sure it was known what had happened, and I got another 2 bowls of instant noodles, waited an hour for raw eggs that I requested be brought from the kitchen to crack into the noodles - the eggs never arrived even after multiple requests, then I ate the noodles for dinner with a protein drink then off to bed for a cold hungry night.

Not a good first impression....

And not a good last impression.

Dead monkey brain transplants must be common in the region.

Our driver on the way back started out driving slowly, maxing out at 45 kph (28 mph) on a perfectly good clear road. I look at my clock, we have 4 hours to get there and it is supposed to be a 2.5 hour drive, oh well let him go at least he won't hurt us if he crashes.

After the first hour I notice him inching up the speed and I have a minor celebration, cheering and clapping when we hit 60kph (37 mph) after that it only took him another 10 minutes or so to accelerate to 80 kph (46 mph). Cool, we should make it after all. Everyone goes back to what they were doing, I play games on my Nokia N95 Smart Phone.

Only to look up 30 minutes later and notice Dead Monkey Brain playing primieval games. The game predominantly known as "chicken" on this particular occassion.

That's right Dead Monkey Brain was driving partly on the wrong side of the road at ALL times, even with oncoming trucks and on blind hills and corners - but even better in this particular instance Dead Monkey Brain let the van drift across the road into the path of an oncoming small 3 wheeled van heading towards us causing the other driver to panic and swerve violently.

I decided then and there it was my responsibility to teach Dead Monkey Brain the rights and wrongs of driving a vechile with me in it. I pointed out the "good" side of the road and the "bad" side - no comprehension. Ok I try the words "yes" and "no", I try miming 3 different ways. Dead Monkey Brain does not respond, no cranial activity I am afraid so I try shock therapy when the road is completely clear and scream into his ear "This side of hte road you dumb fuck" and grab the wheel and point the van back onto the correct side of the road - AH HA! A response!

Dead Monkey Brain grabs the wheel and shouts "No, No, No" back at me and tries to use force to take us back on the wrong side of the road. I yell "Fucking YES cunt" and whack him in the shoulder to give him an indication that I have a bucket load more physical power than him.

So he does understand Yes and No - he was just being an ass before.

He then slows down and calls base who then talk to the Assistant Director also with us, who calmly and professionally explains the situation. Then Dead Monkey Brain is put back on the phone, he has a discussion or argument for about 5 minutes with me yelling at him twice "get over THAT side fucker" and pointing to the correct side of the road.

Then I grab the phone and talk to base and am told that they are explaining to the driver - I said "there is nothing to explain tell him to drive on the correct side of the road or I will beat him black and blue and leave him on the side of the road, this is not a joke - he is extremely dangerous and I will not be in a vechile driven like this. Now tell him to drive normally and stop being a wanker"

They talk a little more and it seems Shock Therapy has brought a small synaptical spark to Dead Monkey Brains faulty cranial equipment and the rest of the journey was relatively safe after he tested if I was watching a few times and got appropriate sneers of hatred from me. It really is annoying that some people will only respond to a direct threat to their personal safety.

China. What do I think of it?

Well from first impressions, I cannot say that I was happy with the locals attitude towards work or foreigners and my last impressions are even worse.