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And no I am not talking about the Westernised commercial perversion that sees 2 months of Christmas advertising and rubbish Christmas carols played in every commercial center and shop in a non-stop mind numbing repeating loop, designed to try to make you feel guilty enough to spend all your savings proving that you love your family and friends by putting yourself in credit card debt up to the neck...
I am talking about a Thailand based low life expat (don't worry there are a few) that takes advantage of friends to make a quick, bloated profit by promising (and charging) for an impressive Christmas feast to outdo all others in a congenial private atmosphere reserved for a selected few close friends. Instead we got served shit on a plate. A full Christmas buffet at a good English Pub in Thailand could be had on Christmas day for 299 Baht (us$9 - remember we are talking in the 3rd world here). This would include roast lamb, roast chicken, roast pork, maybe roast beef. A full serving of different Western vegetables, including potatoes cooked in at least 3 different ways Followed by traditional English Christmas deserts - Christmas pudding, ice cream, cream, yorkshire pudding, bread and butter pudding, a variety of tropical fruits, etc. Pretty much everything you could expect for a Christmas meal (with tropical extras) without missing out on anything. We paid 750 Baht and booked a month in advance for what was supposed to be an exclusive and exquisite banquet. Our Thai girls were charged 350 Baht for an equally promising Thai buffet created by the finest of Pattaya. For an entree we were served either tomato soup (no one chose this), melon with a specialty ham, or a prawn (shrimp) cocktail. I chose the melon and ham. I got a single slice of melon with a single strand of slimy grey ham draped across it, obviously prepared well in advance. Myself and the fellow sitting opposite looked at this food tragedy and pushed it aside after poking the ham with a finger to determine how slimy and off it actually was... Several efforts by the rude wait staff* to replace this offal with new plates of equally off ham saw me tell them that I don't eat bad food as I don't want to get sick. *Yes some of us foreigners do speak Thai , you stupid ignorant racist low class moron. I mean in a room of 35 people, almost all of whom live in Thailand, many for 10 years or more, you'd have to expect someone to at least had a go at learning the language in their new home??? Apparently this sort of reasoning was beyond the peons employed that day. As was the fact that I explained in Thai that I would not eat it as it would make me sick! The shrimp cocktail I did not eat but it came with about 8-10 decent sized shrimp covered in this cheap goo that passes for a salad dressing in Thailand. Besides that they didn't get real seafood dressing the shrimp were apparently passable, but then fresh seafood is cheap in Thailand. It seems that $5 was too much to buy the correct sauce to create at least one decent entree.
Next came the big entrance of the main course.... Processed turkey, packet ham, peas, oil soaked potato (seems to have been put into cold oil then literally boiled in oil until cooked) and several dishes of cold vegetables (boiled to death broccoli, cauliflower with white (cheese?) sauce, and a potato salad that I caught the manager with his uncovered, unwashed fingers in later, also a neat little seperate serving of gravy was given to each person, except that it was a commercial gravy mix watered down with additional water and cornflour, the resultant 'gravy' tasting like corn flour in water. Oh, I forgot. Everything, gravy included, was served cold. Refridgerator cold. Nice touch on a hot tropical day, cold wet dead broccoli with cold cornflour flavoured water is definitely one of my favourite dishes.
All this is reported exactly as is. Sadly there is no need to exaggerate. Upon looking at this tiny serving of 'food', and it was a small serving for what should traditionally have been a feast, I turned to my Girlfriend and asked her how her food was. Uncharacteristically of her she said "OK", she was being polite for this 'special' occassion that I had talked up for a month. Upon questioning this wonderous Thai food feast (at 350 Baht - 17% more costly than the full roast buffet at any English pub in the region) consisted of day old very plain fried rice , a green curry, papaya salad and some chicken wing drumsticks (not even garlic chicken wing drumsticks ).... and wait for it.... boiled rice - all of which would have cost you 70-120 Baht made fresh in front of your eyes pretty much anywhere in Pattaya with similar decor. Being a day old and not well made I guess the value was somewhere south of that. Going to speak with the manager the first fellow present quickly distanced himself as the bar manager who had nothing to do with the kitchen. The second fellow, whom I caught with his unwashed fingers in the potato salad was the 'manager' responsible for this travesty of cookery. I spoke politely and told him what exactly was wrong with the meal, exactly what I thought of him taking advantage of a friend who booked the entire do and relying upon Christmas to stop people complaining and doing the best they could to enjoy the day and each others company. Unfortunately Thailand has a reputation for attracting some of the lowest scum of the West, this is unfortunately a truthful fact, not everyone by any means, but a highly visible transient population provides this image for all and sundry. As soon as I started into this manager for being the perfect example of the arch-typical expat low life he ran like a naughty child straight to my mate who had organised the do. Even upon my cold, cold comment that this was between he and I only and it was not his place to ruin my mates Christmas. Following the rapidly retreating recalcitrant full grown child as he ran to my mates much smaller table of six, much to my amazement I approached. This manager was saying to my mate "Conan says it is not real turkey", then points to a real turkey leg in front of my mate, I ever so politely reply "Yes but it would have been nice if EVERYONE got a turkey leg". Looking at my mates table it was piled with food. Scumbag and an idiot to boot. The socially ill equipped f'tard had not done his homework. Even though he had plied my mate with a feed that was much different (but still not even worth 1/2 what we paid) from us in an attempt to hide his 'subtle' subterfuge - he missed one important point. My mates mother was sitting almost opposite me on the far table with the 'economy' servings. Brilliant strategy. Pile the food on with special allowances for my mate then serve an assorted plate of questionable and off foods to his mother, on Christmas day. Needless to say she barely ate anything off her plate and the kitchen managers strategy fell to pieces. Seeing that I was going out for most of the night after this I had been expecting to eat until completely stuffed full and not having to eat for another 5 hours or so. In the light of the delicacies served up I had to evacuate and go home to cook up not only Christmas dinner but also a couple of meals to take with me. So for my Christmas dinner what did I get? Pad Prik Sai Moo - stir fried spicy vegetables with minced pork, cooked at home by myself eaten on the run as I showered and changed to meet for my 7pm appointment. The one saving grace. My mum made a massive Christmas cake and mailed it to me a week before. Serving up a massive portion with vanilla ice cream (I stopped especially at the 7-11 to get some as I never eat it usually) got my into Christmas cheer - well it was a sugar high on Christmas day so close enough. People get killed for less than this in the 3rd world . All in all last Christmas was better, when I was in China and did not even know it was Christmas day until lunchtime.
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